the diary and archive.

this is somehow different from the change log its more my thought process as to why i am doing things the way i am doing things and trying to have a good time and get my feelings off my chest

28/02/2025

i'm doing a lot of stuff to fizx up and document what i have been doing, becuse i didn't have time yesterday to update but i am updating now so that is good at least i am staying on it in some way. but ikd if this will be the method that sticks for me. maybe i will just keep doing the things i do and update these pages with them occasionally becuse i thith this would be a good place to capture all of my ideas kida like a scrapbook. this is realy fun and cathardic to do. i really like this method it feels good but i know i won't be able to keep it up for long. i mught have to switvh arround a bait to kkep up the novelty of being an organised and produtive person. so this like kina like a folio in that sense as well. meh. i like to do this i think. cool lets reflect on what worked for me and what hasn't worked and what i want to achive.

Youtube

this is a sore topic for me. i want to grow my channel and upload vlogs and art but i find it hard to get engagement and its kinda killing me a bit. I just can't keep up the with the algoritiums demands so when i pause for a week or two (because this aint payin') I have to start all over again when i am able to have the mental spacve to come back. atleast now i have a base of some good analyitics and i have some form of audience which is cool. but i don't want to start again. i need some kind of squedual to help me and i need to fill it out in accordance to my energy levels (my period, sorry if thats TMI but I suffer a lot with PMS and it is hard to keep pushing with my grind during those times of the month.) If i can fill in some of those post times first maybe i can actually keep going without skipping weeks on accident. now it will be more about making enough content to keep everything going, which means a lot of short edits that i probably will never show here. these will be like a radom add for the algorithim to push and i don't need to advertise myself here. so the things that will go here are probably just short videos i care about and long form videos.

now the podcast!!!! I want to keep the podcast pushing but i don't like the direction it is going in. i'm not drama or comentary. I just don't come off well when i talk about those topics. and i don't like the way i come off. i need to find something else to talk about and i need to find a different tone. currently it comes off as whiney and complainey and i don't like it. i wouod rather come off as intelegent and mature becuse thats what i am. i feel like i have to hide this in every day life becuse it don't fit the persona that people see when they first look at me. it makes me sad that i don't look smart. i look young and when i talk i come off as nieve. but i'm not. I just want to people please and that is making me feel like shit becuse i don't please anyone by acting this way. this is my way of saying i don't want to stop the podcast that i know nobody cares about. i want to feel more connected with myself and this one way of doing it i think. i want to coneect the way i view myself and how i let the people i trust view me with the way i am perseived by everybody. this is going to be a hrad trasistion fo me but i think it is time to put down some of my more childish personallity trait that i have kept arround becuse they use to get me attention in the past. I am an only child and I like attention. i don't know what that says about me really but it's a hard truth about myself that i need to face. i'm not sure if there is anything wrong with wanting people to pay attention to me. its just the way that they are doing it now dose not forfill my emotioal needs. unless i am with one of the few people i trust and can be myself arround. i am smart maybe not in the ways that matter but i am smart in these ways none the less. and maybe people need to see that about me. I am fast, maybe thats why i think i can do comentary when i cant. or maybe i can do theses thing and if a change my to to a more authentic version of myself it will feel better to me. this is hard emotions that i want to explore more but i don't know if i have the energy to look that much inward right now becuse i am sick with the flu. and i know thats a bad excuse. i am ready, i know myself. why do i hesitate to reach my full potention when now is the perfect time. I don't know. what is it they say to make you do things... count backwards from 3 but judt start when you feel the urge? i need to define my inner question more. 3...... what are the ways that i am smart. i am emotionally smart. i can pick up a chage in the room very quickly to the point where people will say its not there but it is. i just con't pin point why. this sounds like paranoia but i don't think it is. i think some of the people that i expect to trust me don't becuse i come off as immature so they feel like they cant tell me when somthing is worng in a situation. i can be confurntastional but like just to get the dirty laundry of words out in the air quicker. i am hyper and quick to excitement but i am not quick to anger and people get these two of my emotions confused regurarly. i don't feel much anger espically arround the people that have hurt me. i just kinda expect it at this point becuse the people i loved the most and that were ment to take care of me did it the most i think. my home life was not stable. my parents would argue differently but that is my opinion. it was not stable espically emotionally for me. while most of the time i was never in any immediate danger of harm I still was never comfortbal or alloud to be truely alone with myself. I alway felt like I had to keep my guard up. I never knew when I was going to get put into a random fight that there was no logical way i could ever win. i have been between more rocks and hardplaces then i could ever want to imagine again. now i am in a safe place and i feel okay. its a weird felling... i have never felt okay and suddenly at 27 i finally think that i do. its intense. all new feelings ar intense. i think i felt it earlier but becuse it was so intense i ran from it. i could have felt better sooner but maybe i coudn't have at the same time. but i'm 27 and i finally feel okay. no job, no prospects, a burden and i'm frightened but i have a home. i have pets, i have a partner who is helping me back on my feet. i am grateful. i have good friends. i also have bad friends and i need to figure out the difference quick cause that is one way i am not smart. or i am smart in it. but when you look at a person through rose coloured glasses all the red flags just look like flags... thanks bojack, those are 6 depressing months of my 20s that i wont get back... okay that is good enough self development. put down childish behaviours that no longer serve you. i can still do childish things and experice childlike wonder but i need to let go. my heart is holding on too tight and i need to free up space in my chest and fell myself introvet and gain that energy for a while.

Game Plan

i had energy but htat just took it all out of me i'm gonna wite a breif thing of what happened yesterday then i will come back to this part
in the future i would like this to be a hub for all of the content that i feel good about or took time in my life but that is gonna take a lot of back loging that i dont have thr time or paicence for right at this moment. this is what i need to get done today:

i think that is a good amount to put on the wite for now. my bf is going to be home soon and i want to make sure that i get most of this done before he gets back so we can chill and do other stuff. i really want to procrastiante and get back to reading but i cant just yet i need to get everything done! so i will do these things ant link them back here when i am done. and then thats kinda like corssing it out. i want to work od the CSS of this pages more in the futurre becuse the whole thing is real messy but that is gouing to have to wait for another time. i also want to go live today. i might start now before signing off. *goes live* okay i am back and i am now live on youtube so i don't think that i will write too much personal stuff. hopefully people like the sound of my keyboard. hopefully it is poppy enought. i love the poppy sound that my keyboard makes then i type. no one is coming into the live though i am so nervous. will this work? will i be able to gain more subscribers and followers like i do on tiktok. maybe i shoud do this on tiktok instad of on live but then it wont save and if it is good asmr the i would want it so save so that people could watch it later. i really need to get my mike set up working. i also need to set up my angles. omg one person is here and they are liking the live!!!!!! ahhhh theis is so cool. omg 8 people are here. this si actually really cool. you guys can skip reading over this if you want i'm in a general flow state and i think that is what people might want to see to help them get into a flow of their own. omg 10 people are here!!!! this is insane! i can never get 10 peopel to stay. wait it droped back down maybe i was a bit too excited haha. see what i mean about people pleaseing and excitment it is absolutely infuriating what i do to myself so that i could possibly make a starager on the internet feel better. well 3 people have decided to stay. i have to rember to sit up straight. i wish i did a better angle but i dont want to play with it now..... anyway i am going to do some other stuff now that isn't as mych tying and a lot more clicking and things. this is me offically ending this little writing session. peace!!!!

Defk tidy

today i tidied up my desk and made it more efficent to use the microphone is now in the correct spot and will no longert get in the wqay. the lamp is positioned just right and i think i willl remenber this time how to keep it just write in the future. there is an art to my desk lamp that only i know and it annoys the fuck out of everyone else but not me it lood like the pixar lamp and it is attaced to my desk and it looks so cool. i might need to sticker bomb it soo so that is feel more like it belongs in my space. i use to have beautiful flowers strung all over it but my dad riped them off. maybe i will buy some more flowers for it again. maybe ill grow an actual plant up it and fianlly install my grow lights around my apartment. i also wanna get myself a cool fish tank for my space. just to make me happy ya know. i miss my goldfish. i miss them a lot. i wish i had an form of yard. it would be so cool. i'm very good ant groing things though i have been a bit of a failuar lately. maybe i can bring some things back. its just a slump. they happen. and my space is beautiful i just have to get on more of a squedual. i love talkiung aboput all of the things that i am doing. wow i am really into blogging. i hate that it has gotten such a bad stigma honestly. it is so honest and good way of getting thing out of your mind and off your chest for the world to see. i hoestly don't care if no one ever sees this. this is fo me and i love it so much. i'm feeling really forfilled right now.

27/02/2025

i went outside. it was a lot. i will post things elsewhere about it becuse i started doing a wold bunch of things that i need to talk about. i tried solduring for the first time! i made a bag, i also made a new embroydery stitch, i made more pams to hide arround the city. i need to make a page about pams, the embroydery stich and the bag and the soudering. it was fun on a bun! i have always wanted to do soudering but u was too scared but i feel a little more confident about it now and like i might be able to give it a go! yeah i sayed outside most of yesterday and i am proud of myself for doing it, but i didn't see any realy frineds and i'm so tired so i didn't get much done in terms of filling my stats meter. i actually depleated them to the point where i found it a struggle to talk to friends on my phone which is the eaisest way of talking to friends. so i lost a lot of social energy but with no real benifis for my mental health. which is the only reason i still keep any people arround. if i could forfill my happiness meter without seeing people for weeks trust me i would but aparently i need social interation to make part of my brain feel good. UGH PEOPLE i mean i love some poeple but i'm struggling with most others. thats no fult to them though. I wote something about that in the 28th post if you wanna know why. i just do tust people, daddy issues domb shit luike that. i'll get over it soom. okay this is a random thought the the puffy sitckers on my keyboard have made it so much better to type. omg i love this thing so much my set up is so niceeeeeeee! i need to talk about this in desk organiation but maybe i will put a little insert here. i have but together a really cool small space desk that is able to house most of my artistic supplies and a whole bunch of cute decorations! the place looks super cool. i celan it on the 28th and i'll write about it in a min. this is so much fun!!! i love doing catch up diaries becuse then i can hit about things that happen in the next entry and this. this si such a stream of concious that is so good for my mind to help me get better at this type of stuff. there is so much happening in my little brain. i hope no one i knows finds this out soon. i'm developing so much i dont want to be found out yet. i want to be inconspicious for a while in plain site. honestly i doubt anyonw will reat this far down after all the word vomit i just spewed but hey if you are r5eading this congraduations you can have a gold star. shiny!

26/02/2025

my site still looks pretty bad but at least there are some gifs on it. i have been pretty sick since yesterday and i'm feeling pretty down. i need to organise a bunch of crap but insted i'm trying to make ly websidte look less terribe. this is a pretty fruitless persuit. i want to make this a dash board i can actually use and communicate to people what i might need help with but i'm struggling with the basics. hopefully i can do it soon so that i can save all my internet stuff here in one place. i feel like my content is spred out between a bunch of platforms that don't really care about me. this platform is created by me so it is a refections on how much i care about myself. i am trying my best to care for an nurture myself but i just seem to struggle all the time. i dont know how to. i tried treating myself with the same grace that i would treat a friend and that helped a lot! i mean so much! but i'm still not caring for myself properly. I was taught my hole life to not like myself and when i would give myself praise or feel a little smug/self confident i was always taken down by friends and family. this realisation that this has been happening sice i was a kid hurts so much. i am trying to mourn it but its gonna take time. my self confidence is shot and i am scared to be myself. this is creating issues in not only my self expression but my self worth too. i feel like my true self is not worthy of being expressed. spelling mistakes and all. this is gonna take time and i need to keep being gentle with my self so that i can feel like i am worth more then what others assign to me becuse i know who i am, they are not as smart or knowlageable as they think. I am worthy

24/02/2025

this si my little indi website to post all my favroutie things like a little gallery of all my fave skate pictures also like a bunch of other stuff idk. probably no one will ever look at this page ever and its okay. this is mostly just for me to blog my feelings and scream to the void. so enjoy if you every find this

OMG! i know my site looks so stinky and weird but i'm repicking up some html after years of not doing it. please bear with me. hopefully this site will look somewhat presentable by the end of tonight or at leaset till the end of this week. give a girl a break. lol anyyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyyyyyy enjoy my brand of cray :D

I also want to make a quality of life updates so that i can keep track of my days and what i am doing

I want people to be able to tell where i am posting and going live here. this is my little hub and i want to build actual community that dosn't have the off feeling like tiktok like and youtube has for me at the moment. being a girl on the intenet make me feel so unsafe all of the time and it makes me so sad.

this is starting to feel a little bit like a public diary or notes app where i have complete comtorl. this is fassinating. i can see how people fall in love with this method of media it is so unique and fun!

Okay i'm a bit tired of learning new things so i don't think i will get up to changing colours or anthing just yet because it is takinh up to much mental space to try and lean it. maybe once i have reseted and let all the stuff i just relearnt kinda sit arrount in my mind and freshin up the mental pathyas before i try to add anthing new in there. or its gonna be a disaster and i am defanitally going to get a headache from trying to learn too much at once. my brain need to just to some meanial takslike writing this out so that i can have some form of record of what i did. maybe i will have bad ideas like digitising some of my physical notes and putting them on here. publishing song lyrics and other cringe shit that i just need to get out of my system before i go back into functional socitey. how over rated but i need to do it to pay the bills!

i am putting little puffy stickers onto my keyboard so that it makes it eaiser to touch type and so i can type much faster!!! its almost working, im a bit slow but i don t have to look at my hands as much! which is a win for me atlease. i will keep tying and figuring out where to put my stickers.

maybe i can start by planning my logs here and seeing which ones i want to open up too and which one can be hidden away behind a link becasue i probably will not do too much with them or i can just archive them later idk. so i need to make an archive, and i need to kane a new list on this front pages. I doubt i will need to know often when i changed the site so that can stay hidden behind a link. i also probably want these diary entries behind a link too. come to think of it haha. so what to do what to do? what do i put on my frount page. this is tricky! i want to show off my youtube i think so that people understand that i make videos, i want to put scarletts photos on my little website that i am making cause i thiunk it would be cool. i want somthing that says how may times the site have been visited becuse i think that would just be neat. hmmmm maybe not. the button click thing thati did on that other wbsite was fun and interactive for people! one of those i think would be better. it also give people the opotunity to just lurk if they want to! also i wann put in a little comment section i think that would be so cute. i just want to be able to look at this site and be able to see what i need to do next. eaisly make little notes for myself to do and cross them off as i go. also make notes of all the little extra things that i did throughout the day. i think that would help me emmensly.

what did i do today you may ask, to keep it simple i causgut up with mum and dad, went live on tiktok, everyone is hounding me to get a propper job. i want one! i really do because i want to make money but now i'm finally getting back on track with my mental health, it has taken so long but i'm finally healed anf having the chance to explore myself and feel okay for the first time in my life. i havent felt this good since i was an ignorant kid. i have it so good here and i have everything i could possibly need in my apatment. my parents say that i have out grown it and it is too small but i like it. it makes me happy, it brings me joy. lots of people have said lots of hurtful things to me today for just being myself on the internet. all of them were men. my life is controlled by men and i hate it. the biggest reason i want a job is so that i don't have to be supported by a man. don't get me wrong lewis is my partner in crime but it dosn't mean i want to completely rely on him. i want my own money and i want him to come and live my dreams with me. i want to live his with him too and have a good time. i think that is what love comes down to at the end of the day. can we make dreams come true. its easier with two then with one and its way more fun. i have a great time with lewis and i wouldn't want to have another person by my side for this. but i still want my own money and to be a big contributer to the community and the world! any who. that was probably full of spelling mistakes and a bunch of other shit that no one is going to read. and that honnestly make me quite happy. also these stickers work fantastic! good job my brain

this is going to be a large amount of text for me to sort later!

omg i just found out how to link the custom css and i am so excited! my custom CSS page is gonna look nuts soon. i cant wait for this to really get going. but hey the background is green and the text is whit and i just wanna go off like the queen i ammmmmmmmmmm aaaaaaaaaahahhhhhhh

Index change log Rollerskating Pics Craft diary Other sites!